Friends, inspiration, love and family lost and gained.

This past year was a rough year in many ways.  It's a tough journey to try to grow wiser through the hardships of heartbreak, disappointment, love lost and gained, family lost and gained, and shifting dreams and aspirations.  Half a year ago I was convinced that it was the best option to abandon my small life in the middle of relative nowhere (relative to cities, east coast, metro areas, cosmopolitania) and move on to what I assumed were bigger and better, greater things.  School, relationship, family, a bar I wanted to go to, music, art, etc. etc. etc.  My heart felt like it had been tossed into the washing machine with an old pair of sneakers, knocking the height and fluff out of it until it was flat and lifeless, devoid of spirit and inspiration.  I lost two family members this past summer and cut out a toxic relationship with someone I felt like had been one of my best friends for the past year.  It truly is the hardest part of breaking off (up) with someone to lose the companionship that comes with time spent together, drinking coffee and whiskey, reading articles and shit, and exploring beautiful places.  It took watching a lot of episodes of Lost, spending time with good friends, and facing loss of life of loved ones to come to a place of acceptance and stillness about it.  In retrospect, what was I doing but holding on to something I didn't want to let go of for fear of never finding it again.  But it does come again, as time reveals over and over again, when in your most desperate moments of surrender, the universe, for lack of a better, non-heady alternative word, throws someone amazing at you and you have to grab hold, hang on, and let it happen.  The potential for love again exists, when you least expect it, it rushes in.

And for family lost and gained, my Uncle died prematurely this past summer followed by the more timely death of my grandfather who was working on his 96th birthday at the time that it seems he just gave in and practiced his own form of surrender.  My brother is getting married, my best friends are trying to have a baby, friends are marrying, friends are breaking up, falling in and out of love, moving on and moving up.  Looking forward, staying put seems like the best course of action, letting the small town life develop, investing in what is already here and present, the people I love and am learning to love better, the potential for continued inspiration and movement forward.  School is on hold, other opportunities elsewhere seem pale in comparison to where life is at now, and I'm happy to be standing still, allowing myself to be present in the most happiest of moments in a long time.